The one area of my life I find it hard to really let go and trust myself in, is in my personal relationships. Years of having to protect myself, being cautious who I allow in and having unconscious expectations of people, left me hurt and alone.
When just a baby my mother made the choice to leave. I missed her presence and not having that natural bond left a gaping hole in my heart. Growing up without her led me to wonder that if I the woman who physically carried me could so easily leave, perhaps I wasn’t worthy of love at all. I saw her leaving as being all about me and nothing about her.
Life however, has taught me that nothing is ever as it seems. As a child I took her abandonment to mean I was unlovable and unworthy of unconditional love. These feelings became the foundations for all my future relationships. I was unconsciously trapped within the abandonment I felt and all the unworthiness I had allow in to stand for.
The truth however, for my mother in these circumstances at least, was that her leaving was not about me. She simply couldn’t love me because she had no idea how to love herself. She herself was lost within her own stories, battling her own beliefs and unable to be a mother to me, a wife to my father or even a friend to herself.
It took me years to understand this truth. To forgive her and to forgive myself for believing I was unlovable for such a long period of time. Plus, my relationship beliefs and habits left me carrying a sense of abandonment into every single relationship I entered, with both men and women.
Life, in all its glorious unpredictability, has thankfully taught me my worth. It has shown me I am loveable: I am enough and I do deserve unconditional love in the relationships I invest my time and energy into. We all do. And, it may have taken me years to realise it but my mother in her own way, always loved me and always will.
Finding and accepting these truths has allowed me to forgive, and with forgiveness naturally comes a huge sense of release. In this case I not only had to forgive my mother, I also needed to forgive myself so I could final let go of all the stories, all the resentment and finally allow real healing to begin.
Carrying these childhood beliefs into all my past relationships left me never feeling enough and left me chasing unavailable men. I wanted to save them from their own inadequate beliefs to help cure my own: if they could love me, cherish me, perhaps I didn’t need to forgive and learn to love myself! It was a tool and my way of keeping me from ever really committing and letting love in. It was how I tried to protect my heart.
But times have changed and I have grown into myself. I am a woman who is proud to stand in the life I have and own it. We can all change our core beliefs and habits…. we simply need to dig deep, ask for help and find the courage to take responsibility for the stories we allow ourselves to be victim too.
It also truly helps to have that circle of close friends who you pride for their honesty. Friends, who call you out on your bulls**t from a place of deep love, allowing you to be vulnerable and be there to help you grapple with your truth.
I am blessed to have such friends. Standing here, in the life I have created: a life I am grateful is full of passion, honesty, joy, giggles, waves, yogi postures and my very own soundtrack – I can honestly say I am heart wrenchingly grateful for just how honest I am learning to be with myself. Grateful for how each passing day I listen to my gut and my intuition more and more. I am also grateful for my curious soul, the time I give myself to reflect and patience I have found as I rebuild new foundations and start opening doors to new chapters in my personal relationships and life.
It is time, no matter how hard, to stop chasing unavailable men. I deserve more. It’s time to clean out the old and make space for those who will unconditionally support and cherish me for the woman I continue to grow into.
In no way am I saying I need a man to complete me. I don’t. My life is a stunning gift. It’s tough some days and that’s ok. It’s beautiful other days and my heart brims with gratitude…. I have an incredible group of people I hold close, who respect and love me (and vice versa) no matter where in the world I might find myself.
I would however like to one day connect with someone and build a family of my very own. To create a space for us both to flourish and both be deeply loved. First however, and this is something I’m working on right now, I must let go of a certain few, refocus my energy on who I want to be and enjoy every moment of my life for the gift it is. For it is only when I stand proud and be, that the type of love I deserve can begin to blossom.
May 2020 be the year you allow yourself to….
• Be exactly who you want to be
• Be the type of person who stands up for yourself and your dreams
• Be the type of person who is proud of themselves and proud to be exactly who you are
• Be the type of person who is strong and vulnerable all at once: Wild and free
Namaste and happy 2020