2019, you terrify me!
Something about striving to finally settle and have my own home (my intention for 2019) physically catches my breath, tightens my throat and raises my heartbeat. I have a real fear of putting down roots and building a life that is financial stable. Why…. Read on!
Stability is the one thing I have resisted for as long as a I can remember, yet I know it’s exactly what I need to set new foundations and build new routines. It is finally time to grow some balls and commit to the new life I’m building. To actively move myself towards life goals that embody who I truly am. To do that, I need my own familiar base. A sanctuary, a space to call my own and to imprint my style and energy into. My own home!
What is it that terrifies me about settling?
Honestly…I am petrified of failing, financially and in love.
Since a child, I have equated worthiness with money; equating my own worth to the amount of money I have in my bank account. Yes, it’s a pattern I learnt and yes, it is another opportunity for me to take ownership and grow.
My fear of failure in love, is very simply a fear of being hurt again. I know full well there’s no way to stop that. And, when I’m ready I know love is worth the risk. I finally have come to accept that I do not need a man to feel worthy or ‘enough’. These past few months have shown me just how much joy life can hold, and it’s a thing of wonder! And, to be alone is not a failure, it has been a blessing. I know my own worth.
The thing that I find hilarious, when you truly dissect the idea of failing is that we as humans believe that to fail is bad. Is failure really so bad? For instance, I ask you to consider:
· What exactly is failure?
· Why does it paralyse us?
· Why do we give it the power to paralyse us?
It has taken me a long time to be brutally honest with myself, but I know my fears are rooted in a need to be successful. Success (for me) being measured by financial security, understood as wealth and money in the bank. And then of course, I had this other crazy idea that I needed to be totally independent. Never asking for help or letting others know the reality of my circumstances until it’s too late!
I’m not going to lie, I put everything I have on the table to allow me to travel these pasts few months. My savings, my freelance careers, friendships and relationships. Was it worth it? Damn right. Did I find ways to survive, yes! Did I have to grow balls and ask for help along the way – absolutely! Do I feel shame for asking for help, yes! Do the people who love me think less of me…. no! Have I failed because now I’m financially empty and yet unbelievably full of joy and gratitude? Fuck, no!
According to the inspiring Dr. Brené Brown, “failure is an imperfect word” because, if you take the time and have the patience to learn from your failures, then they aren’t failures any longer—they’re lessons”. I completely agree. I now see failure is about owning our own stories and writing our own endings. They are opportunities to take ownership, to be courageous and act to create real change. Life isn’t always fun and pleasant, I do not believe in fairy tale endings anymore. I do however, believe wholeheartedly in love.
So…. yes, I may move somewhere and for whatever reason, end up moving on or it may simply not work out. I may however set up my own home, feel real joy and finally allow myself to settle. It doesn’t matter what the outcome is, as long as I try. To allow myself to get there though, I need to get out of my own way. I need to choose to use my failures as opportunities to grow, to take ownership and stand with courage in the midst of my fears.
For me that begins by doing exactly this: rumbling and writing, so I can look at my emotions with perspective and distance. I do honestly believe we have nothing to lose. The universe is only ever trying to aid us on our way. And furthermore, I truly and wholeheartedly stand by the fact that if we can be brave enough to see every failure as a lesson or an opportunity to grow, then our opportunities for real joy and abundance in all areas of our lives are endless.
Fear will always be there, so use it to fuel you, rather than paralyse you. Make sure you have a few people close who you confide in, trust in enough to share your fears, shames and vice versa. With these foundations, failures will only ever be a bump in the road. A moment to learn . A place to get curious and reflect, rather than a place to wallow in pain, shame or guilt.
So, go out there and do whatever terrifies you and know you will be loved regardless of your bank balance, the fancy clothes you wear or the relationship you may or may not be in. You are none of these things, you are precious and with or without this stuff, you will always be worthy of love
The rest is up to you
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly
— Robert F. Kennedy
There is no such thing as failure. Failure is just life trying to move us in another direction
We are all failures- at least the best of us are
― J.M. Barrie
When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important
― Ellen DeGeneres